Dear (Possible) Future Husband....

I stopped writing on here when I got back from my deployment. I dont think anyone will look at this, but thats okay. I just need somewhere to write my thoughts. My heads been spinning lately. News of things in my past have resurfaced... I thought that things were real, but they never were. I thought that someone cared, but he didn't. He lied, lead me on, put me on the back burner incase things didn't work for him... The past year and a half have been incredibly hard for me. An emotional roller coaster. And I deserve better. He put lies into my head, making him seem like a good person, when all a long he was a poor excuse for a man. Used. Abused. Lied. Took me for granted. I'm moving on. I have finally shut that door behind me and I will NEVER open it. I won't look back either.

I'm not going to focus on my future. One that I am damn sure will be better, healthier and happier.

With that said...

Dear (Possible) Future Husband,

I am going to start off by saying I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for my past. For giving my heart away one too many times. For having a twisted perception of men. For not having trust. For already making you an idol. I’m sorry for my present. For being a “ravenous wolf” as my pastor calls it. For constantly searching instead of being patient. For not praying for you constantly. I’m sorry for my future mistakes. For not submitting. For letting my emotions drive me at times. For believing lies and not listening to truth. For not following through on things I may promise.
I’m sorry for you. For the temptations you deal with everyday. For the girls who show a little too much. For the lie that “manhood” is being physically strong and not showing any emotions. For the expectations you know I already have, the ones you feel like you have to meet but know you won’t always be able to. For your past hurt, whatever that may look like.
So I’m sorry, but there’s more. I’m scared.
I’m scared for the bad times. For not living up to your expectations. For being a bad wife or mom. For fighting. For possible financial stresses, even though I know that ultimately does not matter.
I’m sorry and scared, but what do I feel the most? I’m excited.
I’m excited to meet you. I’m excited for you to experience my awkwardness. I’m excited for the mountains. For the jokes and laughs. For the happy tears. For our future children, if the Lord wills it. For serving the Lord together. For cooking dinners for two instead of one. For dancing and singing in the kitchen. For worship and fellowship in the family room. For the deep conversations. For working the mission field, whatever that may look like. I’m excited for the valleys. For the trials that will shape our relationship. For the times that we can only get through because of our love for the Lord and His grace. For the times where all we can do is turn to His word because we are without words.
I’m sorry and scared and excited. You may be two months or fifty years away. Maybe our future will never happen. Maybe, just maybe, the Lord has other plans for me. If not, if my future involves you, I hope you see this letter. I pray that temptations are small, that the Lord prepares you for my craziness and sensitivity. That He prepares you for leadership and me for submitting. That He softens your heart, grows your understanding of Him, opens your eyes more, and prepares you for everything that may come. But most of all, I pray that you lean on Him and love Him more and more each day, more than you will ever love me.
Love,
Your (possible) future wife.